I am a really resilient soul and one that really does not like to feel like I am failing. If I start to feel that way I kick into overdrive and I am like “Oh Hell No” mode. Well after my last boyfriend and I broke up it was a reminder that I have no idea how to live alone and often felt alone and unhappy. It took a lot of reflection and several conversations with my counselor and I began to figure it out. I wasn’t loving myself and I was choosing to not do things that made me happy because I was single and maybe it would be slightly awkward. Anyway here are some tips and tricks that worked for me hopefully you will find solace in them.
1. Determine Why You Need Them
My counselor asked me one simple question about my ex boyfriend that completely changed my perspective. “What need is he fulfilling?” I was a little stunned and told him I had no idea I needed time to think about that. You see he wasn’t convinced that I couldn’t get that need met elsewhere. Well for me what I determined was the need that he provided was reaffirmation that I was worthy. After all that I have gone through in my divorce and losing family and such I needed someone to tell me I was worthy of being loved. Once I realized that was the real and very raw reason I needed him it was easier to let go because I realized that it wasn’t a healthy reason to hang on and I could get that elsewhere.
2. Change Your Mindset
There are several books written just about this concept (Mindset and QBQ are two I’ve read). The whole Idea is that we can chose to be sad and upset or hopeless or we can chose to have a more positive outlook and look at what we can control in the situation. The reality is being happy makes others want to be around you and all the sudden you realize even faking happiness you somehow become happy.
3. Do Things Just For You
When you are single the reality is there is little that you can do by yourself but you limit yourself to basically nothing if you fear the uncomfortable nature that can be isolation of dinner or a movie alone. I’ve started to go out to breakfast or dinner just by myself if I want to go and don’t have anyone to go with. Sure the company might be a little more quite but I find I am happier I went than if I stayed at home because I am living life not just letting it pass me by. I will also sometimes buy myself something that normally someone else would but you know what I don’t have that someone else so if I don’t get it for myself guess who is losing out again? Only me.
4. Write Yourself Notes
You might have to stay with me here on this one for a moment because it sounds a bit kooky. Write yourself notes of reaffirmation around your house or apartment, work or even your car. Again things that someone else would normally tell you but you don’t get because there isn’t someone else. I have written myself notes like; “Smile its your best quality” or “you look nice today” or “someone does want you.” The whole point is to have constant reminders that reaffirm areas that you might be a bit insecure about.
5. Re-purpose Things With Meaning
Often when we leave a relationship we have a lot of things that remind us of those people. Some of them we can get rid of and some of them we can or don’t want to. Yet keeping them and using them the way we use to only serves as a reminder for what once was. If we can take the control away from them being something of “ours” to something of “mine” you now hold the control over your emotions. For example my ex-boyfriend and I had a little dry erase board that said on it “Today I am thankful for _______” and we would utilize this to say things that we were thankful about each other for everyday. Well when he left sure I could have thrown it out but it was cute and I didn’t want to. So instead I wrote something on it every morning as a reminder that I had at least one positive thing to feel good about everyday.
6. Find A Hobby
I know this one is probably one in every blog post out there but for me it holds a lot more value than you might think. Often when you are single part of the problem is that at times you just get bored. You don’t have that other person tehre all the time to do things with. For me one of my hobbies is this blog. I love developing the content and enjoy all the feedback all of you give me. It has sort of turned into my baby and I may be a little territorial. 🙂