I was rereading a book called QBQ, The Question Behind The Question by John Miller. I thought the content could be helpful to some of my leaders at work and was hoping to conduct a small workshop around the book. You see the whole premise of the book is on personal accountability and eliminate victim thinking. What are the incorrect questions or IQ’s as he calls them and the better questions to asking being the why or how questions that involve I not them or they.
Anyways in chapter 22 ” He Didn’t, I Did” John describes a scenario where a leader had a difficult employee that she managed awhile back and they did not have a good relationship. At some point he transferred to another location and several years later they found themselves back on the same team. She was managing him again. Yet this time they worked well together. She realized that after hearing John talk what had changed was that she no longer was trying to change him. John discuss’ this idea of you can only change yourself not other people.
I did not realize it the other day when I reread this chapter but now I ahve realized that this is the reason I am so disappointed in my ex boyfriend and why we didn’t work out. I was unhappy because I was trying to change him. I wanted him to do things and be a person that he wasn’t. Probably because the other things I liked about him made me want him to have the other qualities. However John is right, you can’t change people. He wasn’t what I wanted or needed in a relationship and my desire to try and make him that only divided us. I would have been better off identifying that he wasn’t what I wanted and I would have saved both of us a lot of time and heartache. It is hard to identify that sometimes but I think this goes back to the original point of the book, ask better questions. I was just asking the wrong questions all along and pointing blame instead of just saying you know what this isn’t what I want, you’re not able to give me what I want and I need to make a change. I can control myself I can not control him.
Well we all live and learn but know I have a good reminder to ask better questions and take on more personal accountability and own what I can do in the situation. We always have a choice and not making a decision is also making a choice. So here I sit, reflecting and learning on my journey through life. Yet, I have no fear, my life is going to work out the way it is meant to be and even though someday’s reality is like drinking from a fire hydrant I know that those are still the minority of days.